1
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,618
You know who I am?

2
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:11,489
Yeah, you know who I am.

3
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,361
And I know who you are.

4
00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:17,017
And I know you've got
that missing girl.

5
00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:19,845
Uhh!

6
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:24,589
1661 Oakwood Drive.

7
00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:26,243
Montauk.

8
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:29,116
You're going away
for a long time, dirt-face.

9
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,639
 We got you on murder.

10
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:34,208
 No. No, wait. 
I see-- I see a girl.

11
00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:36,514
She's there willingly.

12
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:41,258
It's some kind
of weird sexual role-play.

13
00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:43,086
Damn it. That's not
even a crime.

14
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:46,089
Why would he hide that?Wedding ring.
He's married.

15
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,265
Adultery.
That's a class B miz.

16
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:52,095
Hear that, slut-boy? You're
looking at 30 days hard time

17
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,097
in the clink.Or a small fine.

18
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:55,925
 This is going to be 
one rap on the wrist

19
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:58,754
 this perv won't enjoy.

20
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,408
ANNOUNCER: 
Coming up next, the news.

21
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:03,498
I miss Camomile.

22
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:06,718
Maybe I should just
call her, right?

23
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,764
I'm just going to call her.
I'm just going to call her.

24
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,071
You know? I'll call her up.

25
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,033
[ clears throat ]

26
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,645
[ gurgles ]Shh.

27
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,518
CAMOMILE [ on voice mail ] 
This is Camomile White. 
Leave a message.

28
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:26,303
[ beep ]
Hey, bitch. It...

29
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,698
[ moans softly ]

30
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:32,483
Uh, sorry. That was my--
That was my, uh...

31
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:36,052
my barber... shop quartet
friends.

32
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,575
They were just leaving.

33
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:41,927
Uh, anyway, it's me,
Kevin Pacalioglu again.

34
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:44,191
Uh, just calling to say,
"What's up?"

35
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:48,934
And check in on you and just,
uh, ask you the question,

36
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,458
"Whatever happened to us?"

37
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,068
Just, you know,
a simple question.

38
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,984
The elephant in the room.

39
00:01:55,027 --> 00:01:56,681
MAN: 
Another cave-in 
during construction

40
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,161
 of the Second Avenue 
subway line

41
00:01:58,205 --> 00:01:59,902
 has workers 
threatening to strike.

42
00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:02,078
 Other lines will be shut down for precaution,

43
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,386
so if you plan on traveling 
today, be safe out there.

44
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:10,130
And that is the reason I am not
allowed in Applebee's anymore.

45
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:12,393
Any Applebee's.
It's like a nationwide ban.

46
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,438
It's crazy.

47
00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:17,615
[ sighs ]
So, you know, if you ever want
to go out sometime,

48
00:02:17,659 --> 00:02:20,227
uh, give me a call.
I'm around.

49
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,794
It's been way too long.
Uh...

50
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,101
Speaking of things
that are way too long,

51
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,929
this voice mail is one of them.

52
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,061
Heh, heh.
Fits into that category.

53
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:30,672
But you know what they say.

54
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,848
Long voice mail, uh...

55
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:40,899
That was pretty good.

56
00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:43,250
[ whimpers ]

57
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,077
I'm going to call her again.

58
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,429
Shh.

59
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,300
[ line ringing ]

60
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,520
Hey, bitch. I--

61
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,437
[ theme music playing ]

62
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:36,868
Hey!

63
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,740
Thanks for only being
an hour late.

64
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:42,265
Yeah, my pleasure, man.
Can't wait to start
the ransacking.

65
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:43,962
What the hell
is that helmet?

66
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,313
It's my Viking helmet,
for the ransacking.

67
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,185
You know, for the pillaging.Man, for the last time,

68
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,361
there's not gonna be
no ransacking or pillaging.

69
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:54,103
I bought a house in
foreclosure for dirt cheap.

70
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,236
We're gonna spruce it up,
put it back on the market

71
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,150
for more than I bought it.

72
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,631
Yeah, but I can still keep
all the goodies I ransacked
from inside, right?

73
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:03,504
Hell, yeah, you can do that.
Just gotta get rid of that
helmet.

74
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,115
If anything, you're more
of a scavenger, not a Viking.

75
00:04:06,158 --> 00:04:08,378
Okay. I can work with that.You can work with that?

76
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,337
But can you work with this?

77
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:13,862
Oh. Is that what I think it is?Yup. Pot chocolates.

78
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,864
They make your day
more fun, you know?

79
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,387
I don't know, Roofie.
You and I don't do so
well with edibles.

80
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,476
You know what? They're not
supposed to be that strong.

81
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:21,913
No?Nah.

82
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:24,307
You know you like it.Just a couple squares.

83
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,570
Now, this is the house.

84
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,790
You own this?

85
00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:35,579
It's like" Silence Of The Lambs"
up in this bitch.

86
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,147
I don't know. I think
this bitch looks pretty sweet.

87
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,192
Yeah, but we'll have to put
a lot of elbow grease in

88
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:41,759
if we wanna sell it.

89
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,674
Yeah, or we could find
some owners who are into it,

90
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,808
you know, as is.Oh, like a serial killer?

91
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,027
Yeah, or, like, a wizard.

92
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:52,335
Man, this don't look
like none of the pictures
on the site

93
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,381
that I bought it on.Well, I don't know.

94
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,208
Wait a minute.
You've never even been here?

95
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,342
No. I bought in on a site.
Look, check it out.

96
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:02,476
There's no signal.

97
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:04,129
Must be a dead zone.

98
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:07,481
I gotta say, Roofie,
honestly, I'm, uh...

99
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:11,789
I'm seeing about zero
potential with this
place altogether.

100
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:14,357
What are you talking about, man?
Just use your imagination.

101
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:17,012
Once we clear all this stuff
out, it'll be nice.

102
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,363
I'm not touching these dolls.
These are creeping me out.

103
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:23,148
But this on the other hand
looks like a pretty sweet
little--

104
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:26,151
It's a Tempur-Pedic.That is most definitely not
a Tempur-Pedic.

105
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,588
It is. I'm
scavenging this.

106
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,067
This is what scavenging
is all about.

107
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,374
We gotta start
somewhere. Come on.

108
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,898
It's light for a Tempur-Pedic.It's heavy to me.

109
00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:36,161
Oh, hey, Roofie.Huh?

110
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,902
Remember those dolls
we were talking about,

111
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,382
like, two seconds ago?Yeah.

112
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,471
Yeah, now there's, like,
an identical set

113
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:44,082
lined up out here in the hall.

114
00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:46,171
ROOFIE:
Aah! What?

115
00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,695
Aah!

116
00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:49,087
[ both scream ]

117
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,960
KEVIN:
Okay. What is this?

118
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,883
Mine won't open!KEVIN: I know. Me, neither.

119
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,711
Man, I can't believe
I bought a haunted house.

120
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:06,366
That's why it was so cheap.

121
00:06:06,409 --> 00:06:08,150
You know what?
I must be tripping.

122
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:11,109
Maybe that's it. Maybe we're
still high from the chocolates.

123
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:12,937
You think so?No. I was just saying that

124
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,896
to make you feel
better. This place is
definitely haunted.

125
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,637
Oh, God. Come on, man.
Look, look, look.

126
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,378
You're a medium.
Use your medium skills.

127
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,902
Do something. Talk to the ghost.
Find out what it wants.

128
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:23,252
I don't know, Roofie.
Even if I find him,

129
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:26,211
there's no guarantee he'll talk.
Even if I do get him to talk,

130
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,300
there's no guarantee
that I'm gonna listen.

131
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:32,566
What? Could you please
just talk to the ghost, okay?

132
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:35,220
What do you want,
my soul or my money?

133
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,354
Stop, stop, stop.
Calm down. Stop it.

134
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,008
Listen. Stop, stop.
It's okay.

135
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,053
I'll do it.
What are you gonna do?

136
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,664
We split up.
Scooby Doo style.

137
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:45,405
I'm gonna find
another way out of here.

138
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,668
Okay. Good plan.They're not taking me alive.

139
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:52,324
[ child laughs ]

140
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,420
Hello, ghost?

141
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,903
Okay.

142
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,427
Way to go, house.

143
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,951
You have successfully
freaked out my friend.

144
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:12,693
Really, really, really amazing.
Great job.

145
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:16,131
Can't freak me out, though.
No. I'm a professional.

146
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,698
I'm a professional at this.

147
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:19,874
Wanna come out and have a little
one-on-one chat with me?

148
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:22,703
That'd be easy, huh?

149
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:27,447
But no, no. You wanna resort to
these ice cream parlor tricks.

150
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,274
Look at this.
Oldest one in the book.

151
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,799
Shutters on the windows are
locked. Come on, piece of cake.

152
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:33,365
Piece of cake.

153
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:37,369
Unh. That is really hooked
on there tight, huh?

154
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,472
Piece of cake!

155
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,735
Unh! Oh! Oh!

156
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:59,522
Oh. Oh, my God.
Did that actually just happen?

157
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:02,438
Oh, God.
I think my ass is broken.

158
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,788
Oh, it was worth it.

159
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,834
It feels good to laugh.
I needed that.

160
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,532
This floor is hard as a rock.Yeah, no kidding.

161
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,969
My stupid wife, Julep,
didn't want carpeting.

162
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:13,754
"Hardwood is classier."

163
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:16,539
Ohh. Was it too much
to ask for a rug?

164
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,585
That's what I said.
I keep telling her.

165
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:21,370
If we're gonna work on the
house, it's gotta be practical.

166
00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:24,373
Not this froufrou
design crap.

167
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,506
Uhh!

168
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:29,770
Yeah. There is a lot
of froufrou around here.

169
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,467
I'm definitely gonna talk
to Roofie about that rug thing,

170
00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:35,078
because you could break
your neck on a floor like this.

171
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,604
You know, I actually did
break my neck on this floor.

172
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:38,953
Seriously?

173
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,563
I had this huge fight
with my wife.

174
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:43,131
I got so upset, I slipped,
I fell down the stairs.

175
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:44,393
[ neck cracks ]

176
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,787
Ooh. Oh, both ways.

177
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,963
I didn't even get
to finish the fight.

178
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:53,228
Oh, that is classic unfinished
business you got there.

179
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:56,666
Ohh. What was the fight about?
Anything juicy?

180
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:59,364
Honestly? What color
to paint the kitchen.

181
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,845
Say, what if I were
to help you win that fight

182
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:04,587
by painting the kitchen
whatever color you wanted?

183
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,546
Far out.It is far out.

184
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,026
All right.

185
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:10,985
No. No, you...

186
00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:12,900
I don't really get it, either.

187
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,428
Oh!Oh, geez!

188
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,126
What are you doing?Yo, I couldn't find a way out.

189
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:23,824
But I found
a screwdriver.

190
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:26,348
Maybe I can, like, get the door
unhinged. What about you?

191
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,610
Well, speaking of unhinged,

192
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,960
I met the ghost.
His name is Jack.

193
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:33,050
He wants me to paint
his kitchen this color of cream.

194
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:35,139
That sounds nice.
Is he reasonable?

195
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:38,447
No, if I'm being totally
honest. He's a bit
of a loose canyon.

196
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:41,537
You mean, cannon.
Like Nick, right?

197
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,583
No. Like the Grand.

198
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,410
Wait, that doesn't make
any sense.

199
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,718
Loose canyon.
Any moment the rocks
could just give way...

200
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:49,980
Rocks?
like a cannon.

201
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,634
Just, look,
forget the cannon.

202
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:53,201
You work on the kitchen,

203
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,072
I'll go figure out
how to get this door unhinged.

204
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,858
Deal. Excuse me.

205
00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:15,266
[ sniffing ]

206
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,793
If you're gonna paint
the kitchen any color,

207
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:21,229
it should be fuchsia.

208
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:24,536
Fuchsia? Oh, you're
the wife. Julep.

209
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,973
You're the one
who got Jack so upset

210
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,714
he fell down the
stairs, right?

211
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:30,673
Is that what Jack told you?
He fell down the stairs
because of me?

212
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,457
Did he mention he only
fell down the stairs

213
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,242
after he stabbed me
in the chest 47 times?

214
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:37,506
What? No. He most certainly
did not mention that.

215
00:10:37,549 --> 00:10:41,858
Also, 47 times? That seems
really, like, unnecessary.

216
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:43,555
The first few didn't take.

217
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,428
Well, Julep,
if I may be so bold,

218
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,517
you don't look a
stab wound over 20.

219
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,128
Thank you.You're welcome.

220
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,785
Wanna sniff?

221
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,658
[ child laughing ]

222
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,572
[ child crying ]

223
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,011
What are you doing?

224
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,666
I'm, uh, painting
the kitchen fuchsia.

225
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,363
But that's Julep's choice.

226
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,973
Yeah, well, I met her, okay?

227
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,627
And she told me

228
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,238
that you, like, stabbed her
in the chest 47 times.

229
00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:15,892
Is that what she told you?
That I stabbed her in the chest?

230
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,633
She did.Did she mention

231
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,940
that I only stabbed her
after she tried to poison me?

232
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,593
No. What?Yup.

233
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:23,726
The kitchen paint dispute
had reached a climax.

234
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,989
She was so desperate
to get rid of me

235
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,122
that she poisoned
my after work seltzer.

236
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:31,038
My God. How did you know
that it was poisoned?

237
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,301
It's just a feeling I had,
I mean, in my gut.

238
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,303
Also, the seltzer
was pretty brown.

239
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:38,523
Okay, I got it. So you snapped,
you felt betrayed,

240
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,613
you grabbed a knife and...A screwdriver.

241
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:43,137
I was just trying
to open a paint can.

242
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:45,835
Wow, you guys are a couple
of whack jobs, aren't you?

243
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,142
Okay, I'm gonna go
and paint that kitchen fuchsia.

244
00:11:48,185 --> 00:11:50,492
No way.Yes, just let me do it.
It's temporary,

245
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,624
so your wife will be happy
and move into her light. Okay?

246
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:54,931
Then I'll go back
and paint it cream for you.

247
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:57,629
Then you'll be happy.
Then I can get out of
this God forsaken house,

248
00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,719
go paint the town red
with Roofie, call it a night.

249
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:01,416
It's a win, win, win.What?

250
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,200
What?You've woken the beast.

251
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,724
Uh-oh.

252
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:09,641
You were gonna lie to me?No, I...

253
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:13,123
Yeah. Yes. Okay, I was
being shifty. I'm sorry.

254
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,256
But, lady, you kind of
forgot to mention

255
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,997
that you were gonna
poison your husband.

256
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,826
If he had just painted the
kitchen fuchsia like I asked,

257
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,785
none of this would've happened.Stop it with the fuchsia.

258
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,352
What are we, a band of
circus performers?

259
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:27,181
Oh, and beige is
a much more refined choice.

260
00:12:27,224 --> 00:12:28,878
It was not beige.
Cream.

261
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,706
What's the difference
between the two?

262
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,708
There is no difference.
That's the point.
It's just cream.

263
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,449
It doesn't need a fancy name.

264
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,756
There is nothing remarkable
about cream.

265
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:40,368
It is the color
of your mother's kitchen.

266
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:41,935
My mother's kitchen?

267
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,546
Your mother's looks like
a Goddamned Gypsy cart.

268
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,679
Whoa. Okay, guys, hey, I'm just
gonna say from experience,

269
00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,943
let's leave the moms and
the gypsies out of this, okay?

270
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:52,075
Let me tell you something
about fuchsia, okay, Jack?

271
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:56,384
Fuchsia is spontaneous.
It's sexy. It's free.

272
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:59,213
Fuchsia is fine
the first time you see it.

273
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,215
But not when you come home,
and you have to have it

274
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:04,740
assault your senses every
day for 30 years!

275
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,177
Unlike cream, who sits
in the corner at the
cocktail party

276
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:09,571
and makes no attempt
at conversation with anybody.

277
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,486
Cream, you don't have
to explain to your friends.

278
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,575
It's warm, it's safe.
I like cream!

279
00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:16,143
Okay, let me make
a little suggestion, if I may.

280
00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:18,623
Robin's egg blue.
Super hip right now.

281
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,364
BOTH:
Shut up!

282
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,410
[ rumbling ]

283
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:26,327
Oh, my God. I just finished
my last seven years.

284
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:33,725
Okay, well, I am glad
you two calmed down

285
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,816
because you were breaking
a lot of stuff that I
was gonna scavenge.

286
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,469
What?So let's start. Ahem.

287
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:41,864
I have a hunch that you guys
are having a problem moving on,

288
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,345
because we need to fix
this marriage,

289
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,738
so why don't we try
a little role playing. Okay?

290
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,740
I will be playing, obviously,

291
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:50,133
the role of
the marriage counselor.

292
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,918
You two can play whatever parts
you want, you know?

293
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,789
Pilot, veterinarian,
lady plumber.

294
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,574
Why don't we just play
husband and wife?

295
00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,316
Oh, my God, that's a good idea.
Yes. Thank you for that.

296
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,362
Actually, that would help me
a lot with my thing.

297
00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:03,581
You know, being
a marriage counselor.

298
00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:07,672
[ child laughing ]

299
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,067
Hello, ghost?

300
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:14,201
I'm trying real hard
not to be the scared black guy

301
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:15,855
in a haunted house.

302
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:17,378
Okay?

303
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,212
[ child laughing ]

304
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,744
[ screaming ]

305
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:42,751
Okay. You two were obviously
very much in love at one point.

306
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:45,493
Let's start there.It was a long time ago.

307
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:48,670
It was easier to be in love
back then. It was the '50s.

308
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,759
The McCarthy years.
KEVIN: Yeah.

309
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:54,415
Something obviously kept you
guys together. What was that?

310
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:57,635
The only thing that kept us
together, honestly, was Brianne.

311
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,899
Who?Our daughter.

312
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,646
Rose petals?

313
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,868
[ child screams ]

314
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,522
[ screams ]

315
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:17,917
Oh, yeah, right, your daughter.

316
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,180
I did see
the little girl's room before.

317
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:21,964
You know, with all the dolls.

318
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,706
She was no little girl.
She was 30 years old.

319
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,055
30?

320
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,796
She's [ bleep ] 30?

321
00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:31,974
She was a little eccentric.She was a weirdo.

322
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,063
30 years old,
didn't have a boyfriend.

323
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:36,152
Spent all day inside,
playing with her dolls.

324
00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:37,806
She was shy.

325
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:40,026
You never gave her a chance
to express herself.

326
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,960
[ slurping ]

327
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:04,789
Can I just ask you something?
What do you mean, she was shy?

328
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:05,965
My wife killed her.What?

329
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:07,357
Oh, that is not fair.

330
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:09,185
She came home the
night of the incident.

331
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,318
She saw us dead,
she called the cops--

332
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:14,234
She tried to call the cops,
she could barely speak,

333
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,888
she grabbed the first drink
she could find, the seltzer.

334
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,717
The one she...?With the poison in it?

335
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,937
From when Julep tried
to poison me earlier.

336
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,985
Oh, yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
got it. Okay. Good.

337
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,899
No, that's a really
effed-up story.

338
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:30,250
She's gotta be pretty pissed
with you guys.

339
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:31,947
[ Roofie moaning ]

340
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,342
What was that?Sounded like a man orgasming.

341
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:36,952
Or it could be somebody dying.

342
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,347
Roofie! Hey!

343
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:48,224
Roofie! Hey! Roofie!

344
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:53,012
What the hell is going on, man?
I got this, like, ghost blowjob

345
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,102
or hand job or energy job.
I don't know what's going on.

346
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:57,886
Then it just got kind of weird.

347
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,454
Yeah, you're being
held hostage by a
creepy ghost chick.

348
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:04,109
What? Is she hot?

349
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,807
Yeah.

350
00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:09,028
Brianne, put that down.Right now, young lady.

351
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,507
No, it's fine.
He's my boyfriend.

352
00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:12,640
I just need to kill him
so he can, you know,

353
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:13,989
see me and then we
can be together.

354
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,904
No, don't kill him.

355
00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:17,862
What?Brianne. He's not
your boyfriend.

356
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,690
You just met him.

357
00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:22,171
Oh, what? You think
once he sees me,
he won't be interested?

358
00:17:22,214 --> 00:17:24,347
What? No.You can't jump into something

359
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:26,784
serious with someone
you barely know.

360
00:17:26,828 --> 00:17:29,483
But I do know him.
We were intimate.

361
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,876
I'm just gonna jump in here
for a quick second and say that

362
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,140
the rate I quoted you earlier
was for couples' counseling.

363
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:36,359
This is technically
family counseling now.

364
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,100
So it's gonna...Brianne, listen.

365
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,406
You don't wanna
tie yourself down

366
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:41,451
to the first guy
you fall for.

367
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,932
You'll regret it
your entire afterlife.

368
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:46,456
Your mother's right.
Thirty years from now,

369
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,720
you'll be trapped
in a loveless marriage.

370
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:51,679
Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on?

371
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:54,682
Because from my point
of view, it's just
a bunch of silence,

372
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:57,554
and I got this
screwdriver pointing at me.

373
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,600
What's going on is,
a few minutes ago

374
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,645
I was making real progress
with this couple,

375
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:02,907
and now they're talking about

376
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:05,127
being trapped
in a loveless marriage.

377
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:09,088
What happened?Just tell them to get a divorce.

378
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,915
That's not an option.What would people say?

379
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:13,092
They're concerned about
the social concussions

380
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,180
of getting a divorce.

381
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,269
I guess it wasn't
as common back then.

382
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:20,882
Tell them now it's actually
less common for people
not to get a divorce.

383
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,927
Really?What?

384
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:27,062
Jack, I think I
want a divorce.You do?

385
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,586
I'm sorry.
When we first met,

386
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,066
you had just come back
from the war

387
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,938
and I looked at you
as this adventurous hero.

388
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:37,159
You were the first woman
I'd seen in, like,
three years.

389
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,030
I guess it wasn't
enough, was it?

390
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:42,773
I'm sorry I tried
to poison you.

391
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,124
I'm sorry I stabbed
you in the chest
a couple of times.

392
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,690
Forty-seven times.

393
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,127
Forty-seven?Yeah.

394
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:53,001
No hard feelings?

395
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,795
I can't believe it.Oh, no, no, don't worry.

396
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:07,015
I think it all goes
to the same place.

397
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,235
I mean, they didn't even
say goodbye to me.

398
00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:11,324
Oh.It makes sense.

399
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:14,196
I'm 30, living
at home, single.

400
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,286
Again, maybe that was a little
weird back in the '80s,

401
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,028
but nowadays
that's pretty standard.

402
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,247
Really?

403
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,205
Yeah. Plus, you got
this really cool...

404
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:26,077
doll collection
that you keep.

405
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,299
And, uh, look at you.
You're a catch.

406
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:44,226
Okay. They're gone. So...

407
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,185
You okay?

408
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:49,666
I don't know, man.
I feel kind of violated.

409
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,886
But, like, in a good way.

410
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:53,757
Oh, yeah?
What did it feel like?

411
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:57,108
It was like having sex
with a Jacuzzi jet
with no Jacuzzi.

412
00:19:57,152 --> 00:19:58,414
Nice.

413
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:04,159
[ both groaning ]

414
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,943
Man. So happy to be
out of the haunted house.

415
00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:07,162
That place sucked.

416
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,120
Too bad you didn't get
to scavenge anything.

417
00:20:09,164 --> 00:20:11,210
I wouldn't say
I didn't get anything.

418
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,820
I got this awesome
Viking helmet.

419
00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:15,257
You came here with that.I did?

420
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,998
What about you?
You get anything?

421
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,782
Nah, man, you know what?
I'm done.

422
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,741
This place got bad
vibes. I'm out.

423
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:23,091
Yeah? I think that's smart.
Let's get something to eat.

424
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,658
All right.

425
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,616
I'm gonna eat,
like, 17 burritos.

426
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,662
[ child laughing ]

427
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:32,840
[ theme music playing ]